Mon, 10 Jan 2005

Courage

Sigh. Rotten few days. We've been in a state of intense pressure - physical and emotional for Jade, emotinal and mental for me. Feels like we've been living in a pressure cooker for the past week.

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles

It's been an awful few days. Jade and I were hoping to spend some time together out of town last week but we had to cancel our plans the morning we were to leave due to his tremendous pain and discomfort. Jade had lost so much weight, his clothes were starting to get baggy and loose (despite the bulging stomach from the growing tumors) but that all changed within about ten days. His pants were barely fitting and his stomach was stretched so tight it was shining. Each day was getting worse than the day before and the nights were endlessly long. It seemed like full time work just to get Jade comfortable. Then the comfort would last only a few minutes before he was hurting again. We suspected some of it might be fluid retention (rather than exclusively tumor growth) but that could come from liver failure. We were so anxious heading in to today's appt.

We went to the oncologist today and she thought most of the growth and distention in Jade's abdomen was from fluid retention too. We had an ultrasound done and they drained three liters from his abdominal cavity. They gave him litocaine to numb the skin then cut the side of his stomach open and inserted a eight inch tube which was hooked to an empty liter jar. Each of the three jars were filled with fluid in about three to five minutes each. Jade had some relief finally. There was so much pressure in his abdominal cavity breathing was becoming extremely difficult the past few days. He is finally able to eat small amounts again, move without searing pain/pressure and is hopeful that he can actually sleep tonite for the first time in a week (me too!)

It was devastating thinking if things didn't change Jade might not make it till the end of the month with how the past few days had progressed. You just cry and feel so overwhelmingly sad you think you can hear your heart crack and break at times.

The oncologist described the fluid as being from the tumors and organs "weeping" as a result from the tumors "seeding." They are literally spreading other tumors seeds and the fluid is a waste by-product from the tumors. We're not sure how quickly it could fill back up again. Maybe a couple days. Maybe a couple weeks. We can have Jade's abdomen drained again but that's a curve you can only stay ahead of for so long.

So, who knows. Hmmmmm. Who knows. We're so incredibly grateful that he is at least feeling relief tonite. Trying hard to live in the moment and be happy for small victories.

"This is courage . . . to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes

I believe God is very aware of my family and our current situation. We have had many confirmations of that over the past 22 months. So, with that knowledge and belief, I know He will help me and my family through this. I certainly don't always succeed but I am trying to "bear unflinchingly" what heaven is sending to our family. I'm trying to keep my shoulders squared while my heart literally aches. Your faith, prayers, hope, kindness, friendship and love are sustaining. Thank you.

Jade will be going back into the DR next Tues. Mon is a holiday so he'll have his check-up on Tues. We'll keep you posted with how things progress. Thanks again for your compassion.

All our love and gratitude...........................................Tanya and co.