November 16, 2004

Tear Stains

Deep breath. Tough day. Jade and I went to meet with his oncologist (along with Garrett to increase the degree of difficulty of the experience) this morning and get results from Fri's CT scan. Yep, they're growing. Sigh.

All of the tumors have increased by a couple millimeters but one has increased one inch by one inch. Not a good sign at all that it can do that through the chemo. That one was a smaller one so it basically doubled which isn't great.

So, no more doing this chemo and doing previous chemo's isn't recommended since there was growth from them as well. Options include looking into a final chemo option - - gemzar in combination with another drug. One of the larger tumors that has increased in size could be radiated. Our oncologist wants us to consult with a radiation specialist there about that, but Jade responded very poorly to the total body irradiation he was given last year pre-transplant and this tumor is high and not currently causing him any major pain and wouldn't be part of the tumors which would create a blockage or obstruction. So, we'll consult with them but already aren't thrilled with that option. It would be palliative care anyway (attempting to lessen pain without any hopes of curing.) Our oncologist isn't keen on Phase 1 trials and we'd have to travel to get to any. (Phase 1 trials are usually looking at dose toxicity rather than disease response.) So, no real options with clinical trials.

There was a noticeable shift in attitude and feeling today. Jade and I understand what the staff is telling us.

We decided today to obviously not do the chemo which was originally scheduled and take a couple weeks off to play and enjoy life a little. We may look at doing gemzar (chemo) in Dec but Jade wants to travel and make memories with Garrett and I in the next few weeks while he's feeling good and able. We're looking at a quick trip down to Disneyland in the next couple weeks and other plans.

Pretty rough day with a lot of tears from both Jade and I. I think my light blue shirt/sweater has had dark, round tear stains on it all day long. Sometimes you just stop wiping them away and let them keep falling off your cheeks. The only thing that hurts more than the physical, literal, aching of my heart is the headache I have from crying. I saw the following poem last Weds:

"If a single tear fell from your eyes into the ocean
And then washed up on some far and distant shore
I would still recognize that teardrop
For in the end that tear would still be yours."
- The Lost Christmas Eve by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

I guess my tears aren't falling in the ocean but are being collected on my sweater instead.

Are we giving up? No, but we are trying to be realistic and not miss the warning signs along the way. Options are thinning though. Not giving up, but feeling pretty raw emotionally today.

How ironic that last night I was reading a text online by Glen Rawson about "The Palsied Man and His Friends." This was the man who was paralyzed and after trying to get into the house where Jesus was, had to be lowered through a hole in the roof to be near Jesus. "Mark's words were, 'When Jesus saw their faith....." (Mark 2:5) not 'his faith,' 'their faith.' In other words we have a man who is healed by his faith, but in great measure by the faith and the determination of those who loved him and were willing to sacrifice for him. Now, the next time you wonder if your pitiful prayers are doing any good, please remember this statement from the apostle Paul, "...the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.(James 5:16) And so it does." - Glen Rawson

I wonder if we have been given this extra time as a family during 2004 as a result of "your" faith in our behalf. We are in awe of the continued love and support and kindness we are shown. Thank you. I'm not sure where the coming weeks and months will take us but I'm trying desperately to have that faith as well. But, at least, we know we have much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving.

So. Deep breath again. That's the latest from us and my tear stained sweater and keyboard now too!

Take care and we'll keep you posted!

Love ya..........................Tanya and co.